Dear Amy: My son “Aaron” is 6 years old. Aaron’s grandmother is deceased, and his grandfather has remarried a woman Aaron always previously addressed as “Miss Helen.”
I’m wondering: Is it OK to force a child to address a step-grandma as “Grandma” before he is ready?
His grandfather feels that since he has married Helen it is disrespectful for his grandson to address her as Miss Helen.
I think that whatever way Aaron feels comfortable calling her should be fine.
Currently, whenever he slips up, his grandfather tells him how disrespectful he is.
I’m afraid of what might happen if he keeps slipping up, and what punishment his grandfather might deliver.
Your opinion?
– Upset Mother
Dear Upset: I agree with you that a 6-year-old child should be gently introduced into a family transition and not punished if he doesn’t quite catch on to the new program. He is 6!
The immediate – and probably lasting – consequence of this pressure will be that Aaron will most likely choose not to address his new step-grandmother at all, for fear of slipping up.
His grandfather’s harshness will not inspire respect, but timidity, and possibly fear. Aaron will then choose to avoid these two adults, which is an instinctive and rational reaction to their behavior. And patterns and relationships established in youth have a way of sticking.
These grandparents need to realize that while it is easy to demand respect, commanding respect takes time, patience, and setting a positive example. This grandfather is failing, and when Aaron starts avoiding him, the grandfather will claim not to have the slightest idea why.
Dear Amy: Which is the default position regarding asking for help versus offering to help?
For instance, let’s say I’m at work and someone walks past my desk several times, carrying a big box each time.
Assuming that carrying the big box is part of their job, do I stop doing my job to offer my assistance, just because it is the polite thing to do?
Or since the person obviously sees me each time, would the onus be on them to actually ask for help if they truly needed it? (I would gladly help, by the way.)
If I purposely look for it, I see lots of people throughout my day potentially in need of assistance (loading groceries into their car, reaching for something on a high shelf, etc).
But without them requesting help, I feel like I could be spending my days constantly helping others with their daily lives as opposed to doing the things I need to do for myself.
Is it my responsibility in polite society to assume that people in need are too shy to ask for help, and therefore I should always be offering it?
If I need help, I ask!
I know every case is different, but I’m kinda looking for a default position.
“If you want my help, just ask!”
– Passively Helpful Guy
Dear Helpful: If you are using a defibrillator to jump-start someone’s heart when a big-box-bearing colleague walks past, then by all means – carry on with what you’re doing.
If you’re staring into space, pondering the perfect salutation for that next email (hmmm, ‘Hi There’ or ‘Dear Friend’?) and someone’s passing by carrying a big box, then I think you should make eye contact and ask, “Can I give you a hand with that?”
The way you frame this dilemma, you seem to believe that if you pay too close attention, you could spend your days leaping up to help strangers.
OK! Sounds good – and amen to you.
Unlike you, not enough people ask for help when they need it.
So, yes, you should be the person who offers to fetch something off a high shelf, offers to hold the door for a parent pushing a stroller, or offers to help if someone seems to be struggling to carry a box across your field of vision.
Let this be your “default” position.
In my opinion, asking for help is an extremely important act. In addition to possibly receiving assistance, the person asking for help also grants a nice guy like you the opportunity to offer it.
Dear Readers: Before I show myself out at the end of June, I’m delighted to make way for your newest advice-giver: R. Eric Thomas, whose “Asking Eric” column will continue to foster the engaging relationship we’ve shared. Eric is young, smart, and a talented advice-giver – formerly of the Dear Prudence column.
Here’s Eric’s introductory column, and you can help him get started by sending your questions to eric@askingeric.com.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
